*gasp* It's a little curious to think that I have just over a month left of my time as a missionary. I spent about a full minute trying to decide what word I wanted to use to describe how I felt about it. Most of the things that others have said about their short time left are coming true for me: I'm reluctant to give up my calling as a missionary. I am excited for family and friends back at home (and some few other things, like school and learning academically). I want to use my remaining time the best I can and leave nothing behind except happy memories and move on to relief that I was able to enjoy so fully my time to serve here and satisfaction knowing that I will continue to serve to the fullest extent I can for my life in the future as well.
I have much to update on, but for the sake of time and since my last letter was long too, I'll focus on what is the best of it. I know I've mentioned some aspects of these ideas for many letters throughout much of my time here, and I feel that this is a good summary and more refined idea that conveys the best of what I've come to understand.
This last little while has been a point of learning for me. As I've gone about my time, striving to exercise my strengths and use what knowledge and talents I have for the betterment of others, I've also been balancing my perspective on my weaknesses too. I've learned to keep a focus on the idea that there is a lot of good in us, though we may be quick to make mistakes along the way too. Something my mother shared with me this week I think reflects the idea of remembering to look at our triumph and failure with a fair view:
“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.”
-- Theodore Roosevelt
I believe what it says is true: it's not the critic that counts. We can't be one who puts others in the dirt where they already feel like they are struggling to do the best they know how with what they've got. We can do more good than that for our brothers and sisters.
While I've often thought it was important to not look down on others, I've been learning that it is equally worthless to be your own critic too. It is important to see the effort that is made in valiant attempts to walk the best we can our understanding of what path we are to follow. We look at it with a balanced view: we understand and appreciate our good intentions (provided they are good) with also an eye for the results and goals we see need accomplishing. If we are off, we make necessary course adjustments to correct our trajectory, and then we turn our sins and mistakes and the rest of it over to the Savior. It is through Him that it is made okay that we didn't come up to what we wanted or maybe needed to be. Without Him, correction is just "miserable behavior modification" (quote: Dale G. Renlund). But through His grace and atoning power, it is how we reach where we want to be, in balance with peace through the process - not loathing for or constant agony from what we do or where we are at in our progress.
It's been my privilege to have experienced learning this truth over the past couple years, and I do know of its surety. I am not a perfect person, nor do I have a perfect knowledge; but I do have hope for change and remission of my imperfections through Jesus Christ, who is a Savior that I do believe in. His claim of His divinity was, and is, real and true. I have come to know this myself through diligent scripture study and intent prayer and it is my hope that you all can and will do the same, to experience it for yourselves.
P.S. from Mama Kilmer: Elder Kilmer wanted me to share a link to David Archuleta's song, "My Little Prayer." Hope it works: https://www.google.
Love you all! Have a great week!
Elder Josh Kilmer
Oklahoma, Oklahoma City Mission, English-Marshallese speaking
不動心
Fudoshin: immovable spirit
www.mormon.org
Oklahoma, Oklahoma City Mission, English-Marshallese speaking
不動心
Fudoshin: immovable spirit
www.mormon.org
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