Monday, November 27, 2017

Iowke from OK! On Worth and Identity

Iokwe!

Hahaha, I love learning. I love having realizations that click and make sense. I had one this morning, actually. This week during interviews with our mission president, he told me that I need to "stop overanalyzing myself into the negative" (this email will be a celebration moment for all of the people who have told me variations of this throughout my entire life; sorry I didn't listen :) ). I got the gist of what he was saying (I am negative about myself), but didn't quite get what he meant. He talked a little about focusing on strengths and improving those and not just focusing on weaknesses, which helped, but I still didn't quite see. 

I was pondering about it this morning, since he made it seem important, and as I was studying, I realized what he meant: I'm more focused on fixing all of my problems than I am being happy with the things I have managed to change. I've become consumed with getting rid of faults, though I didn't see it that way - I thought I was just trying to change and become better, but for the purpose of giving myself value. The fault in my thinking was that I've attached my idea of my worth to how well I live up to my standards. On the surface it seemed okay; I told myself "I've got to live up to what I know and constantly improve". But underneath was the dangerous thought, which was "I can be happy with myself when I live up to what I know I'm supposed to do and be what I'm supposed to be, but I fail when I fall beneath that", which easily became "I'm of worth only when I live a certain way or do what I'm supposed to. If I mess up, I need to do better so I can be worth something (again)."

Agh, what a terrible thought. Haha, on paper it sounds so ridiculous. I never thought I would think that way. But I did. That pernicious thought was the drive behind everything I did and the thought still lingers even though I'm aware of it. It's enticing in a way, because you feel good when you do well, so it seems to make sense in the moment. But I've learned that way of thinking will never leave you satisfied because you will make mistakes sometimes, and you will not always live up to everything you know, even if that is ideal. I used to resist this thought, thinking that if I accepted that, it would mean that I was accepting a lower standard and I would become weak and live far beneath how I should. I thought that was wrong and a way people rationalized their mistakes and shortcomings. A good look in the mirror recently has helped me to see that I can't always live up to what I should. I don't. I can't always live perfectly. I don't. So I'll never be completely happy because I can't and don't constantly do things that give me worth.

Unless.

Unless worth doesn't come from what you do. If worth were an inherent value we had, simply because of who and what we are, we could be happy and feel of value no matter how many mistakes we make or how short we end up falling no matter how often. Of course, those things aren't without importance - we should strive to live better - but maybe there is a difference between a life worth living and a life (or person) with worth. 

I've learned that there is. We have value because of who we are. We are of worth because we are children of God, who loves us. Mistakes and shortcomings, opportunities missed and plans failed, weaknesses and faults, worlds without end do not change who we are. We are the sons and daughters of God, our Heavenly Father, He is the all-powerful being who created the universe and all of the stars and planets in it. He created that... and yet He created you.

You have worth because:
You are His.
And He loves you.

I am still going to pursue a life of improvement. I believe that adds value, depth, and joy to life. It allows me to help other people more, which makes me happy. But I will now work to remember that I, myself, have no less value when I live short of expectations than when I live life to its fullest and achieve higher standards with flying colors. All because I am a child of God. And He loves me. I testify that it is the same for you. You are a child of God. And because of that you have value and worth, no matter what you do, or who you are, or how far short you've fallen. It's true.

If you have never learned this truth for yourself, or perhaps if you have forgotten: pray and ask Him. I promise He'll answer. I know it's true.


Have a great week everyone! Remember who you are! Remember you are loved.
-- 
Jeramman!

Elder Josh Kilmer
Oklahoma, Oklahoma City Mission
不動心 Fudoshin:  immovable mind

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