Iokwe from OK! Maintenance

Iokwe,

This week has been way busy. We've spent a good amount of time on exchanges with other missionaries, including some familiar faces, such as Elder Menlove and Elder Smith. It's been a blast. 

Elder Wold (tall brand new missionary) Elder Lloyd (goes home this week), and Elder Kilmer

Currently, we are spending a lot of time setting up our area since we are all new and know nothing about the members of our congregation or the people the former missionaries had been working with. That's left us really busy and with a lot of preparation and planning to do. Elder Lloyd and I have often been up until 1:30 am planning for the next day, only to wake up at 6:30 the next day and run for the whole day. We've had so much to balance as well, so it hasn't been just a mindless robot day ahead of us.

Despite that, the first few days were going really well. However, after we'd been going about a week, it began to get more and more difficult. The lack of sleep was weighing on me and we had been driving a lot and were so busy that often we didn't get personal study in. That was the thing that hurt me the most. The decreased presence of the Spirit from my lack of seeking after it started to make it much more difficult to be fully engaged and patient and loving, especially in stressful situations. 

However, haven't I already been through this issue? Remember those 3-4 emails I sent before on the very same problem?

It's sparked a question for me: Why am I failing to live up to the lessons I've already learned before? Why am I failing to apply the gifts and attributes I've received already? Why when I shift my focus from one area to another does my proficiency in the first area drop? Can't I just learn something and keep it? Or do I need to make this same mistake of failing to read my scriptures every day when I get busy about every three months or so? At what point can I just hold on to something?

As I've considered this idea, I've drawn a couple conclusions: 

1) We have the capacity to choose what we do and the way we live and who we are

2) With God's help, we have the strength to live up to that capacity in its fullest

3) Receiving God's help also requires we give everything we have

I don't have all of the answers yet, so I'm going to save this thought until I feel I can answer it succinctly and clearly without rambling. But, to give you an idea of what I'm doing to work on it: my goal for this next week is to do an inventory/analysis of my testimony and my beliefs so that I don't just keep saying "I know" about everything when in reality I have some things that are more of "I believe" or "I hope"; and also to do a personal inventory of my character and look for character defects and faults that I am still holding on to and reluctant to give up. If I have to keep correcting myself on the same problems over and over again, then something else is wrong and I'm putting a band-aid on a deeper wound. I'll get back to you on what I find, but I strongly believe this:

It's tough to take a real look at ourselves and admit our faults. But it will help us move forward. I believe that true and sincere, lasting repentance is real and brings eventual peace. I believe that the Savior can take the weight of our faults so that we don't have to. My goal is to let Him in the next coming weeks. 

Love you all! Have a great week!

Jerammaan!

Elder Josh Kilmer
Oklahoma, Oklahoma City Mission, English-Marshallese speaking不動心
Fudoshin:  immovable spirit
www.mormon.org