Iowke from OK! On Worth and Identity

Iokwe!

Hahaha, I love learning. I love having realizations that click and make sense. I had one this morning, actually. This week during interviews with our mission president, he told me that I need to "stop overanalyzing myself into the negative" (this email will be a celebration moment for all of the people who have told me variations of this throughout my entire life; sorry I didn't listen :) ). I got the gist of what he was saying (I am negative about myself), but didn't quite get what he meant. He talked a little about focusing on strengths and improving those and not just focusing on weaknesses, which helped, but I still didn't quite see. 

I was pondering about it this morning, since he made it seem important, and as I was studying, I realized what he meant: I'm more focused on fixing all of my problems than I am being happy with the things I have managed to change. I've become consumed with getting rid of faults, though I didn't see it that way - I thought I was just trying to change and become better, but for the purpose of giving myself value. The fault in my thinking was that I've attached my idea of my worth to how well I live up to my standards. On the surface it seemed okay; I told myself "I've got to live up to what I know and constantly improve". But underneath was the dangerous thought, which was "I can be happy with myself when I live up to what I know I'm supposed to do and be what I'm supposed to be, but I fail when I fall beneath that", which easily became "I'm of worth only when I live a certain way or do what I'm supposed to. If I mess up, I need to do better so I can be worth something (again)."

Agh, what a terrible thought. Haha, on paper it sounds so ridiculous. I never thought I would think that way. But I did. That pernicious thought was the drive behind everything I did and the thought still lingers even though I'm aware of it. It's enticing in a way, because you feel good when you do well, so it seems to make sense in the moment. But I've learned that way of thinking will never leave you satisfied because you will make mistakes sometimes, and you will not always live up to everything you know, even if that is ideal. I used to resist this thought, thinking that if I accepted that, it would mean that I was accepting a lower standard and I would become weak and live far beneath how I should. I thought that was wrong and a way people rationalized their mistakes and shortcomings. A good look in the mirror recently has helped me to see that I can't always live up to what I should. I don't. I can't always live perfectly. I don't. So I'll never be completely happy because I can't and don't constantly do things that give me worth.

Unless.

Unless worth doesn't come from what you do. If worth were an inherent value we had, simply because of who and what we are, we could be happy and feel of value no matter how many mistakes we make or how short we end up falling no matter how often. Of course, those things aren't without importance - we should strive to live better - but maybe there is a difference between a life worth living and a life (or person) with worth. 

I've learned that there is. We have value because of who we are. We are of worth because we are children of God, who loves us. Mistakes and shortcomings, opportunities missed and plans failed, weaknesses and faults, worlds without end do not change who we are. We are the sons and daughters of God, our Heavenly Father, He is the all-powerful being who created the universe and all of the stars and planets in it. He created that... and yet He created you.

You have worth because:

You are His.

And He loves you.

I am still going to pursue a life of improvement. I believe that adds value, depth, and joy to life. It allows me to help other people more, which makes me happy. But I will now work to remember that I, myself, have no less value when I live short of expectations than when I live life to its fullest and achieve higher standards with flying colors. All because I am a child of God. And He loves me. I testify that it is the same for you. You are a child of God. And because of that you have value and worth, no matter what you do, or who you are, or how far short you've fallen. It's true.

If you have never learned this truth for yourself, or perhaps if you have forgotten: pray and ask Him. I promise He'll answer. I know it's true.

Have a great week everyone! Remember who you are! Remember you are loved.

-- 

Jeramman!

Elder Josh Kilmer

Oklahoma, Oklahoma City Mission

不動心 Fudoshin:  immovable mind

www.mormon.org

Iokwe from OK! Thanksgiving

Iokwe!,

Thank you all for the birthday wishes! Those who know me know that I really prefer to have low-key birthdays that don't involve being the center of attention. However, I anticipated that my loving parents and the mission Facebook page would not allow that to be the case. I was unfortunately correct.... However, I'm grateful for those who said something - it's nice to hear from friends and family wishing me well. I'm learning to be grateful for others' efforts to build me up and help me feel happy and loved, even if they are not what I would have asked for. I'm glad to have realized that - it makes me and others a happier person and it's the much kinder thing to do. Accepting it begrudgingly is rather selfish and ungrateful and a little prideful too. I'm not perfect at it yet, but I'll keep working on it, holiday after holiday. We've got Christmas coming up, which will be a good time to practice!

This week I have very little time to share much, but I do want to comment on learning and growing in this life. I feel that most of my messages tend to center on that, but change and growth are how we connect with the reason we all arrived here in the first place. We just need to have faith and be believing in the things we learn from the experiences we have. We can't keep questioning what we experience or what we have already learned. Our stake president in CA said, “I’m thoroughly convinced that controlled yet challenging environments are an ideal way to accomplish this”, commenting on a similar topic of learning to have faith. Those things we learn are meant to propel us into a greater experience of learning and changing in the future. If we sit and doubt that we are headed on the right path, we will ultimately end up with little initiative to press forward on the correct one. We should look for signs that let us know, but only ever with faith and an eye to move onto the right path, not to falter and come to a halt. I know as we do that, we'll find greater hope and peace! I'll be doing the same throughout this week!

Love you all!

Elder Josh KilmerOklahoma, Oklahoma City Mission, English-Marshallese speaking
不動心Fudoshin:  immovable spiritwww.mormon.org

Iokwe from OK! Updates

Iokwe!

Thanks for all the well wishes this week! Sorry I haven't been able to respond to them all!

Things are going so well out here. We had a wonderful fast and testimony meeting this week on Sunday. So many people shared such personal and sincere witnesses about the truthfulness of the Book of Mormon and how the Spirit it brings and the truth it shares has touched their lives. I loved hearing about it and I feel the same - it really has blessed my life and I love the truth I learn from it. 

Photo of the week courtesy of a kind ward member Shawna McKinley  

One truth that I have loved was something we shared with a friend of one of our members, who met with us last week. Her name is Irene and she has been wondering what it is in her friend who is a member of our church that helps her experience such peace in her life. As we talked we learned that she feels that God has such an unfair way of dealing with our lives, that the good people often end up being punished and experiencing hardship and trial, especially due to the effects of those who choose to act poorly and selfishly. The reason behind this became clear to her as we explained about God's role in our lives and His relationship with us. We taught her that God is our Heavenly Father, that He loves us just as parents love their children on earth, and just like how parents let their children take their own first steps to learn how to walk, our Heavenly Parent allows us to take steps on our own in this life so we may learn to walk more like He walks. 

As we discussed agency, our ability to make decisions for ourselves, and God's plan to help us learn to use that for good, she began to see the peace that comes from making good decisions and how her life can be something good and of value and full of peace and joy as she follows Christ and trusts in a loving Father who wants what is best for His children.

I know that is true. God wants us to grow and learn to choose what's right - sometimes that involves us and our brothers and sisters here on the earth making poor decisions as we learn to exercise the ability to choose properly. This plan allows us to learn and live in a much better way than having our lives forced to follow a certain path - it just requires us to choose right and learn to live in accordance with God's commands, which keep us on the right and happy path. I loved teaching that to Irene and I have loved living as a part of this plan each day as time passes on. I wish I had more time to share more this week, but time was really short!

I love you all! Have a great week!

Love,

Elder Josh Kilmer
Oklahoma, Oklahoma City Mission, English-Marshallese speaking
不動心
Fudoshin:  immovable spirit
www.mormon.org

Thanksgiving!

Iokwe!

Elder Kilmer at mission leadership conference

Elder Kilmer with his new companion, Elder Leavitt at stake conference from yesterday

Because I am prone to missing emailing about holidays the week they are happening, I'll mention this today:

I have been keeping a gratitude journal since a little before the beginning of the month. It has been something I've actually grown to cherish. It began with writing something simple I thought of, usually right before going to sleep. After about a week or so, the things I've written have grown more specific, more thoughtful, and more plentiful. I've enjoyed very much noting things I am grateful for, especially since I have begun to notice them more than those things that are difficult about life. 

Negative thought cycles are easy to get caught in. I actually think positive thought cycles are too. They're more difficult to get started because it can be easy to sink down in pessimism, but they are more natural to us than negativity, I believe. It's easy to see that we catch on quickly to positive and grateful thoughts and attitudes and naturally retain that type of perspective as long as we do a little upkeep. The person who gave the journals to us promised that if we wrote in them every day we would find more joy. I've found that to be true and invite you to do the same and look for that promise being fulfilled!

I don't have time for an update on what's going on in our areas at the moment, but I'll let you know next week! Have a great week! He lives!

--

Jeramman!

Elder Josh Kilmer

Oklahoma, Oklahoma City Mission

不動心 Fudoshin:  immovable mind

www.mormon.org